ginger steps.

i received a letter from harvard. but i'm not at all excited about it. cos i'm very sure it's just one of those letters that they sent out to a thousand other people, out of which probably 900 have a higher chance of getting into the college than me. and it only gives mum the false impression that her daughter is an outstanding girl, when i know so freaking well that i'm not. but of course i'll keep the letter nicely, cos it's probably the first and last letter i receive from that school.

no i'm not trying to degrade myself, neither am i trying to display low self-esteem. it's just that at this point of time, i'm not feeling very encouraged and supported. i look at my friends who've got classmates and friends who share their interests and are actively engaged in the discussion of such issues, and i look back at myself. i have a classmate who has been constantly telling me these days that 'zhangfan are you trying to apply for a scholarship? what makes you think you can get it; are you applying for an overseas uni? don't go to the us, it's going to be a waste of your a levels; are you intending to go to the uk? don't bother, i look at your behaviour, i know you aren't going to survive there; you ah, you should just stay in singapore la'.

and to think that it was the exact same classmate who told me less than half a year ago that 'you are studying so hard because your folks came over here and you worked so hard to get to where you are... if you stopped right now, its gonna be a total waste and you will dui4 bu4 qi3 yourself...', i find all this quite ironic.

met shiyi after school yesterday, and for one moment i felt like the thought of seeing her was the only reason why i managed to survive the week. HAHA so mushy. but sometimes school really drains me inside out. not the lessons, but the people. next week is going to be the last week of formal lessons before prelims, THANK GOD. hah though i hope this idea is just temporary/transient/transitory/short-living, lol. i'll still miss school ok.

gabriel says after a's i'll be able to pick up everything that i've left behind me, like fencing, and maybe chess, or even dance. he says we can fence against each other, or play chess, but 'no don't ask me to dance -.-'. lol. that's probably one of the most soothing most comforting things i've heard (or read rather) recently. which reminds me of how bernice and i always imagine ourselves being in the same class as all the other fencers, which would be quite interesting cos we can spar in class everyday haha. and i look at how much of the world i've been missing out. i tell myself it's ok they'll all come back to me someday (:

that day on the way back home cynthia told me the story of a girl, and i was assured once again that you really really can't judge a book by its cover. it's amazing how some people around us are so mature that there's so plenty hell lot of stuff to learn from them.
and there could be no two hearts so open
nor tastes so similar
nor feelings so in unison.
so sweet (:

sometimes i just don't understand exactly what do you understand. maybe all along we've been understanding different things. or maybe we've been understanding the same things in different ways. but the thing is we've never got to know what the other person understands, and we've never bothered to find out. the most we've done is just assuming and assuming and assuming some more.

just lots of random thoughts. it's been quite long since i last wrote an entry so long, and i'm quite sure it'll be quite long before i write another one this long. HAHA. back to my lovely micropropagation. ciao!